decorum

de·co·rum

–noun

1. dignified propriety of behavior, speech, dress, etc.

2. the quality or state of being decorous; orderliness; regularity.

3. usually, decorums. an observance or requirement of polite society.

I want to be this noun when I grow up. I strive to be this noun on a daily basis... hoping one day it will simply decide that it is necessary to become one with my soul. I live, eat, breathe this noun.

Then every once in a while that whole thing goes to hell in a handcart full of rotten hot dogs and bunch of decorous antonyms show up to rain all over the sparkly parade float that I call life.

So what does one do when their decorum has a bad week and decides to abandon them for a Manhunt tryst with a twink from the Hollywood Hills?

1. Read every Mae West quote and follow all of her advice.
   
2. Invite every single one of your friends over and make them perform Mommie Dearest in your living room.
   
3. Gather some fake eyelashes, white outfits and black hats, dress up like Droogs and go trick-or-treating. Who cares if it's mid-August? (you know stores are already selling Halloween candy so you might get lucky).
   
4. If raves still exist, attend one.
   
5. Make eye contact with a stranger and simply say "your face is fat. Your face. Is fat." and then walk away.
   
6. Hide in the clothing racks at Dress Barn and make assorted farm animal noises.
7. Create a drinking game based entirely on John Waters movies.
8. Dress up like Richard Simmons (hello sequin shorts!), stand in front of Whole Foods with a boom box and convince shoppers that they have to participate in 5 minutes of "organic blast aerobics" before they enter to enhance their shopping experience. When the song (aka the session) ends, charge them $35 each. As soon as you collect this, immediately run your Richard Simmons ass to a bar to order shots with your organic aerobics money.
   
9. Invite some random friends over, fit as many as you can in your bathtub, fill the bathtub with hot water, from this point forward only refer to it as a "hot tub" and proceed to drink champagne straight from the bottle. The following morning, pretend it never happened.
10. Whenever anyone asks you any kind of question, refuse to answer it with anything but singing Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative."

Well, that should cover at least a small part of one weekend of decorum abandonment.